Writing the Shadow: Examine patterns of repeated behaviour

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

—Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

I started an IT consulting job straight out of university and one of my first roles was based in Brussels, Belgium. This was in the late nineties when the expense accounts were large and we were expected to work hard and play hard.

I enjoyed the trappings of the consulting life. The high salary, the status of the companies I worked for, the benefits of all-expenses paid travel. My ego was certainly happy and I had a lot of fun — at least I think I did. Binge drinking was part of the culture and it soon became normal for me. I can’t remember much of that time, which makes it even more of a waste.

I kept drinking to release the pressure and at one point, I was taking caffeine tablets to wake up in the morning and painkillers to dull the hangover, before going out again that night. I repeated this behaviour with seemingly no ability to stop, despite swearing over and over that I wouldn’t do it again.

I didn’t have the time — or more correctly, I didn’t make the time — to reflect on why I kept repeating this cycle. Some part of me must have understood that I hated my job. But it paid well, and I didn’t know what else to do, so the golden handcuffs grew tighter over the years.

Finally, after a few years of this cycle, I tried running away.

I resigned and left London to travel around Australia in 2000, then I moved to New Zealand, but I needed to take consulting contracts to earn money. My pattern kept repeating.

As Jon Kabat-Zinn says, “Wherever you go, there you are.” In the end, you have to solve the problem within yourself.

My repeated destructive behaviour was my Shadow acting out. My dark horse was not happy and the more I tried to rein her in, the more she tried to drive me off a cliff. I needed to look at my life and figure out how to change, which for me involved getting out of the job I hated.

I was an IT consultant on and off between 1997 and 2011, when I finally resigned for the last time. It took me fourteen years to break the cycle. I hope it doesn’t take you as long.

Questions:

•   What patterns of destructive behaviour do you notice in other people’s lives?

•   Are there patterns of destructive behaviour that repeat in your life? What might they be trying to tell you?

•   How could you break the cycle and make a change?

Resources:

•   The Writing Life — Annie Dillard

•   Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation for Everyday Life — Jon Kabat-Zinn